Sometimes he’s worlds apart and elsewhere lies his dream
and he won’t never shift the blame on you
sometimes a parting kiss speaks louder than action
when life turns suddenly like a bolt from the blue

(Edenbridge — Shine)

This week (well, 9 days), i am spending in western Slovakia with my family, especially my sister. Finally some relief after the distressing two weeks after Elenna broke up with me. I have had a lot of time to think about past mistakes and things that need to change.

One of the more important observations about my past life (last year or so of it), is, that it has been awfully stereotypical. I haven’t even quite realized that. I have been reading my own writings from high school, and there i have already described the danger of it. Somehow, the memory and awareness has just passed away and i fell into the very trap i have predicted to myself. Life is an irony…

So in the aftermath of the sharp change in my life, that being Elenna’s life path parting my own, a serie of further changes need to take part. Many changes already happened, but many more need to come. And much more importantly, the changes that happen need to persist.

My range of interests has been awfully narrow, which was something significantly contributing to the stereotypicty. In the past, i have been at least reading books a lot, so i had 2-3 deep interests. In the recent past, it has reduced to one — computers and related things (computer science, maths, university, work). Of course, unhappiness and even depressions resulted, but having Elenna by my side would have comforted me. Mistake, for sure.

The other problem has been my relation to other people, i have grown too self-confident and cared too little for other people and their feelings. This has mostly changed already, especially after so many people stood behind me when i was screwed really badly. It sure is a learning experience to go through significant mental pain. And it made me realize other people feel like that, all the time. And that woke up to the compassion in me that has been sleeping. I have been cruel and careless when it came to other people and i regret that a lot. If i have hurt you and haven’t apologized, please take my apology here. I will try to be a better person in future. Will try hard…

Both of these things have been an important source of unhappiness for me, which i haven’t realized until now. My selfishness in itself is something that can very well cause unrest, without me knowing the actual reason. Coupled with the above two factors, it was really bad. And everything has become much clearer when my comfort (Elenna) has left, and caused distress and pain like i have never experienced before. Bad conscience of me hurting her just made everything worse.

Now left with empty arms and empty future, i have to reconcile my life. And however unbelievable it sounded to me a week ago, i am starting to believe it could work out. I have a fantastic sister that helped me through some of the worst moments and a few great friends who did likewise. And now, i am sitting in grass on the yard of my family’s house, my sister is painting boards for her ceiling. And i am feeling that things may be good again.

I know that i need to find more interests, to diversify my life a lot. Clinging with everything on one person and one interest, that was a fatal mistake. It led to stereotype and in the end, killed our relationship with Elenna. While i am sad for that, it is important to not repeat the very same mistake, hurting even more people in the process.

I have always had plans and hopes what i could learn and do and change in the future and i have almost always failed. Just before the breakup, i have learned about something called Asperger Syndrome, and for a while, i have believed i am a case of it. Now, i am no more convinced, although it may very well account for my past failures to change. But fact is, i have never seen a good reason to change. Now, i know that only way for me to be happy is to actually change. So while i have many of the Apserger’s symptoms, i am not convinced everything’s lost. More to the contrary, i have more determination and strength to change myself than ever before.

It is a sort of revelation to walk in a sunlit country, with clouds that just showered you with a light rain but were blown away by wind again in the skies. With dark green vineyards on mild slopes on one side and a waning sunflower field on the other, thinking about past and future. I have just had that kind of experience. The country around here is plain beautiful and soothes and heals my wounds quickly. I plan to go for a 2 day hike around in the country with my sister in a few days. Ah, i so look forward…

And i am certainly regaining some confidence in myself and my future, feeling that i can still be helpful to people around me and that my life will make sense. I am becoming self-confident in a way, yes, but it is something very different from the blind, careless self-confidence from past. Yes, i am young and i am bound to make more mistakes, but there are some i most probably won’t repeat.

Sadness won’t part me for a long time, but it’s sadness now and not quite the desperation that was with me before. I am increasingly worried about Elenna and decreasingly worried about myself. But it seems she’s somewhat allright now, at least i hope so. Anyhow, i have done what was in my power, and i have tried hard. Now it is my turn to wait patiently. Probably anything else would just needlessly hurt her.

(days later)

Now, i am sitting in a train to Brno, where an empty bed in an empty flat awaits me. Only sadness lives at that place with me now. But the experience of living alone is going to be important to me, i feel. Hardship makes people better, and living alone is a sort of hardship for me. And i desperately need to become a better person.

(to be continued)